Guest Post: Hudson

Ever since I can remember, I have longed to be a mother. It started as a young girl, playing with dolls and practicing my “mommy” skills, and grew into babysitting for any and all families with children that I possibly could. So on that brisk Sunday afternoon when I took that pregnancy test because I “just didn’t feel quite right,” and it revealed a shockingly positive result, I felt overjoyed, shocked, and blessed. We had only begun trying just a few weeks before and it happened so quickly. Wow. Ryne and I were about to be parents! I loved this child so much already.

Well for several weeks we endured the very exciting firsts of being pregnant and fantasized about what our lives were about to be like as new parents. When we reached 20 weeks of pregnancy, we went in for our traditional “20 week sonogram.” I was anxious, and excited. I had dreamt about what it would be like to see our little peanut (that’s what we called him before we knew it was a “him”). At the same time, I had my reservations about what this experience would be like. My family has a strong history of skeletal deformation of their hands, and I worried about our child also having this deformation and what it might mean for their little life. Much to my relief and surprise, we discovered that our little BOY had all of his fingers and toes, and that was great! However, I noticed that when the sonogram technician zoomed in on his feet, she had very little to say and asked for clarification about the condition that runs in my family. I brushed it off, and didn’t think much of it. When our sonogram was over, they transferred us to a room and said that our doctor would be in shortly to discuss the sonogram with us. Okay, I thought, normal protocol. We are in the clear. Fingers and toes are in check. Good to go. When our doctor entered a few moments later, all I really remember are the words, possibility, and clubfeet. This was when the whirlwind that is now our lives began. My thoughts immediately went to the worst possible picture of Chinese bound feet that you could imagine and I fought back tears sitting on the table in that room in the doctors office.  We were referred to a perinatal specialist and sent on our way. I walked out of that office like a disoriented victim of a disaster.

In the days to come, I would spend many moments breaking down in tears, sobbing. Letting go of that “picture perfect” child that I had imagined in my dreams. How selfishly I did so. I asked God “why” so very many times. I had been through so much already in my life and couldn’t fathom why He had planned this for me on top of everything else. It’s hard, even now, to describe the immense pain I felt. I just couldn’t imagine how I was going to handle all of this. In the mean time, Ryne was so incredibly supportive and strong. I tell you what, this man is my rock. I am sure he went through some of his own emotions and process to handle this, but he did so much more gracefully than I did.  So with the encouragement of my husband and family, I pulled myself out of the hole I had been allowing myself to hide in and decided that I was going to deal with what I had been dealt. Hadn’t that always been what I had done? I was reminded, as I listed to KLOVE one morning on my way to work, that Jesus Christ hadn’t left me for a single moment in all of this. He reminded me that in all things, there is a purpose. Okay, I could do this, I told myself. The moment it all clicked and set a fire within was when my mother-in-law and I were talking and she said something that made me think of our impending challenge in a way I never had before. She said that she just felt as if God had GIVEN us our little man because He knew that he would be so incredibly loved and cared for in our family. We could give him everything he would need with his feet. Wow. I had never thought about it that way. It changed my ENTIRE outlook on life. I was CHOSEN to be Hudson’s mama, because God knew I could love him enough, care for him enough, and be STRONG enough to do so. Yes, I CAN do this, I told myself. My baby needed me, so I pulled it together.   

Over the next eight months of my pregnancy, the Lord reminded me how incredibly blessed I was to have the child I was about to give birth to. God worked through so many people to give us comfort and support. So many of our friends and family prayed every day for our sweet little man. Two very moving events happened when I was still pregnant that will forever remain pivotal points in our journey. A long time family friend and pastor of my husband’s family also had a baby born with clubfeet (it’s really more common than one might think.) They reached out to us and took us to coffee, shared their story, pictures, and prayed with us as well. How incredible it was to know we had people so close that had gone through everything we were about to experience as parents of a clubfoot baby. The other was one evening at a meeting for our children’s ministry. We were really struggling with a lot of different things in our lives at that time, and as we always did we closed our meeting in prayer. Our pastor and friends gathered around us, and prayed for us. They laid hands on us, and our feet and prayed for our son. It was an incredible moment.

Hudson Douglas Huff blessed our lives with his presence September 19, 2012 at 10:14 p.m. 

After ten long hours of labor, and 15 short minutes of pushing…he was finally here! It’s hard to explain the feeling you get when you look into your child’s eyes for the very first time. I had waited

my entire life for this moment. To be honest, those first two days in the hospital I actually kind of forgot that he had clubfeet. So many other more important things to focus on!

Per our orthopedic doctors orders, we took Hudson in for his very first casting the same day we brought him home from the hospital. What an emotional day that was. He didn’t even cry when they put his casts on, but I was a mess. 

As we took our sweet little boy out to the car and headed home, I had the same overwhelming heavy feeling that I did the day we found out Hudson had clubfeet. I bawled. I had to. I needed to get it all out. This wouldn’t be the last time either. We had quite the journey ahead.  For the next several weeks we struggled to get into our new normal with our little man. Like every mother, I worried about my new baby but I had other worries as well. We checked his toes like we were supposed to, and tried to make him as comfortable as possible. All I can remember is thinking that we just had to make it to the next casting. Just like at Hudson’s first casting, I was incredibly nervous at his cast removal and second casting. When the casts came off, his poor baby feet were so wrinkled, bruised, and worst of all he had a few pressure sores on his feet. 

Oh, there I was again. Bawling. This was so hard. I remember just praying. It was all I could do, just pray. So I did. One day, when my cousin was visiting us, she told me about a bible verse that really helped her after having her second son, Joshua 1:9 says, Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. And I just prayed that verse over and over. We ended up writing it on the bottom of Hudson’s first set of casts. 

I wanted to claim it as Hudson’s verse. Then, I stumbled upon this next verse the after having Hudson’s first casts removed. I remember being alone with Hudson for the first time when Ryne had to go out for an errand and I just sobbed.  I couldn’t imagine ever getting past that moment. But this verse just jumped out at me and I knew it was God giving me hope.  Psalm 25:15 says, For my eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare.  Boom, in my face, as bold as it could ever be.  It is my desire that this verse will give someone else out there hope as well. I claimed those two verses for Hudson and prayed and continue to pray them for him.

We experienced many trying times in those first few months with Hudson’s treatment. After getting his tenotomy procedure done on a Friday afternoon our doctor sent us home. That night his casts bled through (as expected) but much more than we had anticipated. There I was again, worried sick. But, we made it through that too. His tenotomy actually went very well & he recovered wonderfully.

Hudson has his casts removed and received his first brace 4 months ago. He is now 6 months old. Time flies. I want so badly to capture each moment and hold them tight. It’s funny now to think that I was least worried about the transition from the casts to the boots and bar as this was the most difficult transition for Hudson. He had lived his little life in casts up to that point, and I think he found some security in them. So not having them was scary, I’m sure he felt weird and vulnerable. The first few nights we were up a few times trying to make sure he was comfortable and adjusted but it was no time before he was fully adjusted and learning to love his brace. 

 

So that’s where we are now. Watching Hudson grow, and learn. He does everything a typically developing baby should do. He cries, laughs, eats, poops, rolls over, and grabs for anything he can get his little hands on!

I’m sure there will be moments that we will have to deal with the ups and downs of Hudson’s club feet, but the most important thing I will remember is that his feet are so very special. Just like he is. And while those feet make him special to us, they do not and will not define him. I cannot wait to watch my son grow into an incredible man of God who will go be the hands and feet of Christ.

Guest Post: End of an Era

Well my friends, it may be too good to be true, but we have the go-ahead to get rid of the Dobbs brace for the next month!  We have an appointment in four weeks to see how Jamie's feet are doing, and if all is well we could potentially be finished with the bracing process at 26 months!  I can't even tell you how exciting this is, or how strange it is that the brace has become such a "normal" part of life.  It has been right in the middle of his bedtime routine for almost two years, in between drinking his milk and brushing his teeth.  And now we could actually stand up on the step stool at the sink to brush our teeth, and he could sleep in the cute little footed pajamas we have never been able to use!  As joyful as this occasion is, it's also a little sobering to recognize that things are changing, and are just going to keep changing as he grows up.  I just pray we will continue to be as blessed as we have been.  And that we will be able to roll with the punches if he has a recurrence of club foot later, which could very well happen.  But for now, his parents will enjoy every second of a much quieter sleep experience even though Jamie doesn't seem to sleep as well without his "hardware."  :)

Jamie in his well loved Dobbs brace and shoes just before his 2nd birthday

A Story of Redemption

Watching this video about a pastor who became addicted to painkillers, I'm struck by two things:

1. How fast we are to judge others
2. How easy it is to fall to temptation

But more than that, I realize that no matter how far we fall, God is always there to pick us up.  If you've ever struggled with anything (and who hasn't?) this video is worth watching.

 

Quality Time: Eli Style

Eli has a bit of a cold.  Which means lots of coughing, drooling, and crankiness.  It's nothing compared to what it was like from August to November.  Those months are going going to live in infamy in our family.  Just like the day the Steelers lost to the Cowboys in the Superbowl.  Or possibly the day Twinkies stopped being made. 

But this time Eli just has a typical baby cold. 

I look miserable, but this is a piece of cake.

Who knew that your kid could be sick, and it didn't have to be catastrophic with multiple trips to the doctor per week?! 

At any rate, I thought I'd teach Eli how to make himself feel better.  It's something I have done since I was a kid: I fire up some video games.  Nothing works better than taking your mind off being sick!

Eli was excited, of course.  He's a big fan of Xbox controllers, TV Remotes, phones, and anything else you want to hold while he's around.  

So as I  turned on the Xbox and handed Eli a controller he laughed with anticipation.  There's no question in my mind that he's a big fan of video games.

Eli, you have to share with Daddy!

Apparently too big of a fan.

Trusting God Admist Heartbreak

 
Miscarriage. Something I never thought Eric & I would be faced with.

When Eric and I found out we were expecting #3, I think we were both a little nervous. We wanted nothing more than a healthy baby. Who could really blame us after everything we had gone through with Eli?  

I have prided myself on the ability to get pregnant easily and deliver my babies just as easily. A few pushes and sometimes a literal laugh and I would be happily holding my new bundle of joy.

Afterall, I have always felt, I was born to be a mother. Born to make babies. Something that has always felt second nature to me. I had always assumed, once I got pregnant, I would stay pregnant. I haven't ever miscarried a baby. My body loves making babies and I love being pregnant. 

Yet, last Friday morning, I found myself in the OB office getting an ultra sound confirming my worst fear. We lost the baby.

Once I left the doctors office, it wasn't until around 2:00 that I was aware of the Sandy Hook tragedy. My mind was spinning. How do parents find hope when they are faced with losing a child?

God. And the hope that God brings.

Eric and I have experienced God's redemptive qualities time and time again through our experience with Eli. Our marriage is better for what we have gone through with Eli. We have had a front row seat to some amazing miracles!  We never have to doubt God's presence in our life and whether God is really real.

He has made His presence known.

Through this miscarriage, I have been now been given the gift of being able to relate to the 1 out of about every 3 pregnant women who miscarry.
 
Even though my faith in being able to carry any more children has been shaken, I know with God anything is possible.

Even though my heart feels like it is broken into a million tiny pieces, I know God's heart is breaking too.

I have faith that God is going to redeem this experience and turn it into something amazing.

It's our job, to keep our faith and hope in Him.

God’s Not Done With You Yet

Dealing with a kid with a disability is a grueling, non-stop job. And while there are many things far, far worse than club foot, it’s not exactly a walk in the park (no pun intended). Every day, Heather and I feel the burden of Eli’s club foot diagnosis. And while I’d like to say we fly through it without issues, I’d be lying. It puts a strain on our marriage, wakes us up in the middle of the night, and prevents us from doing “normal” things.

And while we’re thrilled with where Eli has journeyed, we’re feeling the burden.

Whenever I feel this way, I always look to the Bible to see how, as a Dad and a husband, I should be acting. (I know, that almost sounds old fashioned! But it’s the only way I know of to keep myself grounded.)

Often I find myself turning to the story of Elijah. Elijah is one of my favorite people from the Bible. In many ways he was an action hero. Not only did he spend his days confronting evil - when virtually everyone else in Israel wasn’t interested in taking a stand - he also out ran a chariot on a race back to the nearest city. But perhaps most dramatically was the time he called fire down from the sky:

Then Elijah said to all the people, “Come here to me.” They came to him, and he repaired the altar of the Lord, which had been torn down. Elijah took twelve stones, one for each of the tribes descended from Jacob, to whom the word of the Lord had come, saying, “Your name shall be Israel.” With the stones he built an altar in the name of the Lord, and he dug a trench around it large enough to hold two seahs of seed. He arranged the wood, cut the bull into pieces and laid it on the wood. Then he said to them, “Fill four large jars with water and pour it on the offering and on the wood.”

“Do it again,” he said, and they did it again.

“Do it a third time,” he ordered, and they did it the third time. The water ran down around the altar and even filled the trench.

At the time of sacrifice, the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: “Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command. Answer me, Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.”

Then the fire of the Lord fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench.

When all the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, “The Lord—he is God! The Lord—he is God!” (1 Kings 18: 30-29)

That’s pretty impressive. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t called fire down from the sky recently. So after this amazing miracle, what does Elijah do next? A few short verses later we read, “Elijah was afraid and ran for his life.” (1 Kings 19: 3)

Interesting. It’s not the message we get from Hollywood. We’re told that after you do something amazing you crack a joke. Maybe you smoke a cigarette. Heroes in our culture tell us that part of being a hero is the acceptance that doing something amazing is kind of boring. And certainly not life changing.

But the Bible paints a different picture. It shows us that in the moments following our greatest spiritual victories, we’re most likely to suffer despair. Elijah performed a miracle and stood up to an evil king. Instead of walking to the nearest bar and ordering a martini, shaken not stirred, he ran away and hid.

Heather and I feel this with Eli. It wasn’t until after Eli made it through his illnesses that we felt the toll it took. We’ve seen miracle after miracle with Eli. But the minute we got a true victory over his suffering, depression and exhaustion set in. There were no clever one-liners. No apathy. Just exhaustion.

Of course God is cool with this. He didn’t yell at Elijah. And he’s not going to yell at you. Instead, he gave Elijah rest. But in the midst of that, he reminded Elijah that his work was not done. That he couldn’t give up.

And we can’t either. God has more work in store for our family.

And he’s got more work for your family.

photo credit: jurveston