Thursday, September 13, 2012

Fruitless Worry

Two things I am shamefully good at. Worrying & being too prideful to admit when I need help. I am super Mom after all. I must never fail.

The truth is I fail each time I worry. I fail each time I am too proud to ask for help.  While I am spending time worrying, being burnt out and overwhelmed, my kids and husband are only getting part of me. I am not really ever fully present when I am consumed by thoughts of doubt, fear, and what if’s.

When I took Eli to his 6 month appointment in May it was determined that Eli was severely developmentally delayed. I. Was. Horrified.

I cried. A lot.

I felt as though I had once again, completely failed as a mother. It wasn’t bad enough that my son had bilateral clubfoot and has kidney disease; he also has to be developmentally delayed?!

Really God?!  

Our wonderful pediatrician, Dr. Manfroy, as you may remember, ordered a MRI to see what was going on with Eli’s brain. And then he prescribed a good dose of humility and suggested that we get help from Help Me Grow.


Working as a Special Needs Coordinator for our local Career Tech school I knew about Help Me Grow. My prideful self also never thought we would be the type of family that would need services from Help Me Grow.  I am super Mom after all right?!

After talking it over with a few of Eli’s doctors and nurses (I can’t seem just trust one specialist… Why? Because I have officially taken up residence in Crazy Town thanks to all my worrying hahaha) Eric and I determined this would be the best thing to get Eli the help he needs and to get him on track with his peers.

Our first meeting with Help Me Grow was an eye opener. I think I had lived the last 6 months in a state of denial.  Or maybe I just didn’t realize how delayed he was until he was evaluated. That led to a whole other set of worries, which then lead to more stress at home, more tears, and a pretty crappy summer.

All for what?! Worrying wasn’t fixing my baby. It was making me CRAZY! 

This brings me to last night. Eric and I were at training at our church, Crossroads, last night. While we were there we were working through an exercise that allowed us to share a bit of our story of Eli with others at the table. As we were praying as a group, Aaron, a man from Atlanta spoke up and said that he really felt like God was telling him to pray over us. His prayer was really amazing. I felt it through my entire body.

Afterwards, the groups dismissed and the man who prayed for us said that while he was praying he felt God telling him that God entrusted us with Eli. He also said God told him that Eli is special, not to be seen as a burden, but as a gift.

God has spoken these words through other people on many other occasions. This is the first time I think it has actually resonated with me. I haven’t been able to get his words out of my head.  There’s just something about hearing those words from a stranger; someone who hasn’t been down this long road with us. A person we just met moments before.  

Maybe Eli really has been set apart.  Maybe there is something special about my baby above and beyond what we as his parents already know.

That’s the funny thing about God. He just keeps showing up until we get it. I think God sent Aaron last night to our table so I would finally “get it”.

God, thank you for the gift of Aaron’s words, sending help, and putting my heart at ease.  I finally get it! I can rest easy knowing Your plan for Eli is far better than anything I could make happen on my own. Eli is part superhero after all ;o)


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